Forensics ADS


Imagine this. You’re in your car, chiilin’ with a few friends, when you pull up to a street corner. Out of the corner of your eye, you see some movement. When you turn your head to look, you find a bum staring right back at you. You can tell by the gruff beard, and the brand new Nikes that he is very much in need of money. Often, he will be carrying a hand-made cardboard sign to increase his image of desperation. The sign will often read, Homeless Vet. Need Money. Will have sex for food. If you give him money, he will more than likely blow it on drugs, beer, or the stock market. If you try t act like you don’t see him, you will live in constant fear for the next week or so, fearing the bum followed you home to do naughty things to members of your family, all because you didn’t give him your change. The best approach to dealing with bum you see on the corner, is to drive really close to them, then open your car door. This often results in the bum not coming back the next day, and is a fun game to play with kids of all ages. If we know this much about homelessness, why was it the number one growing profession in America when the Institute of Randomness did a poll last year? How much money does a bum normally make on a fairly busy day? And, what can we do to get rid of this nuisance? All these question and more, will be answered today.

The Institute of Randomness conducted a poll in 2003, to find out which profession, out of all of the professions in the world, was had the widest popularity. Naturally, being a pretzel maker won. The institute then conducted a study on what the fastest growing profession was. Surprisingly, being homeless was on top. Why is it so great to be a bum? Lets take a look into a day of their lives.

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10 a.m. You wake up from a nice comfortable sleep under “the bridge”. You smoke a carton of cigarettes to get your juices running, then pull the dirty cardboard sign you had been using as a bed sheet off of the ground.

12 p.m. You stand on the corner of 7th and Franklin, awaiting the aid from people more fortunate than you.

1:30 p.m. You have made approximately enough to get drunk! You amble into a thrift store, stop briefly to examine the camera layout in case you need to escape without being seen, then pick up a six-pack and a Hustler Magazine. You pay for the items, steal a toothbrush, not really because you want to brush your teeth, but because you can, then walk out.

5 p.m. The traffic is winding down for the day, and you are all out of beer. You shuffle back to the bridge, only to find another bum has invaded your spot.!
5:45 p.m. The camera people from Bum Fights 5 that you called show up, and you decide to wake up your “friend”. Your mom would be so proud to know that her only son is going to be in a movie!
When put in that light, being a bum doesn’t sound all that bad. But the truth is, it better than not bad! You have your own hours, your own place, you don’t have to work hard, and if you get drunk on the job, you might get more money. The only downfall is rowdy teenagers. Two of my friends, who wanted to remain anonymous, have been known to rummage through a bum’s personal space while that bum is off making money. They have taken a homeless shirt, and even a pack of hardcore porn playing cards. Needless to say, Nate Atlee and Jerry Moore do not support the life of a bum. They just don’t understand that the bum probably spent his entire days work just to afford that shirt, or that deck of hardcore porn cards. Or did he?
The Average bum tends to make about 7 to 8 hundred dollars a day. It sounds like a lot to most people, but homeless people know better. What

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